Improv Fu
by Tactition101
Summary: Shiro shows that ANYTHING can be a weapon if you put your mind to it. (Renamed from Eraser Kung Fu by recommendation of Orion Kuroi)
1. Chapter 1

Eraser Kung Fu

Summary: Shiro shows that ANYTHING can be a weapon if you put your mind to it.

Author's Notes: This is heavily inspired by the first episode of the old show Martial Law, I heavily suggest you watch it.

Story Start: Fuyuki High School Class Room

Shiro was not cowering. Anyone who asked him would get a completely logical answer that he was hiding behind the reinforced desk while Rin shot Gandr shots out of it only because he needed the time to think. That was his answer, and he was sticking to it thank you very much. His eyes darted around the room trying to figure a way out of here without doing too much damage to his fellow mage before his eyes landed on the blackboard erasers and he suddenly grinned a grin that would have had Caster shivering at the sight of it.

Rin finally took a break from firing her cursed shots into the room and narrowed her eyes as she tried to penetrate the smoke cloud she had thrown up. The instant she stopped firing, something shot out of the cloud and beaned her right between the eyes. As she took a startled step backwards, Shiro rushed out of the cloud and grabbed the eraser as it flew back with his right hand before his left came up with another eraser and hit her in the eye area again, leaving a white spot around both eyes even as the right came in for a relatively hard smack into her stomach area.

Shiro didn't give Rin any time to react as he launched a flurry of blows at his schoolmate, leaving the entire front of her school uniform, face, and hair completely white as he forced her to continuously back step until she hit the wall opposite of the classroom door. One final smack on the top of her head had her slumping to the ground in a daze and he quickly dropped the two erasers before he tore down the hall like he had the hounds of hell after him.

Rin blinked stupidly for a few moments and coughed a couple of times, blowing out clouds of chalk dust before she blearily looked down at whatever the hell kind of weapons that third rate magus had hit her with. She blinked a couple of more times before what she was seeing finally computed in her addled mind and sheer rage began filling her as she hollered "Erasers?! He attacked me with chalkboard _erasers_?! YOU ARE _**DEAD**_ EMIYA!" Quickly leaping back up to her feet she tore down the hallway after her target, nothing but pure murder on her mind.

Already two flights of stairs down and now on the ground floor, Shiro couldn't help but snicker even as he ran for his life.

END


	2. Chapter 2

Playing With Ribbons

It was a stand off, Illya and Berserker on one side and Shiro, Saber, Rin and Archer on the other. Saber and Archer regarded Berserker warily while Shiro and Rin were looking at both him and Illya tensely. Finally, Saber seemed to bring out her weapon and took a step forward only to blink in surprise when she walked into Shiro's arm.

"Master?" She asked in confusion. _Surely,_ he wasn't going to try to solve this peacefully?

Shiro grinned at her and said "Don't worry Saber, I'll handle them."

"Handle us, you'll handle us? Oh Onii-chan, you're so silly!" Illya said with a giggle.

Shiro merely grinned as he strode forward and said "Well it's about to get a lot sillier little one." There was a flare of prana and everyone tensed as Shiro made a weapon, anxiously looking at his hand to see…an acrobatic ribbon?

Saber's jaw dropped.

Illya's jaw dropped.

Rin's jaw dropped.

Archer's palm met his face.

Berserker cocked his head ever so slightly to the side in confusion.

Illya suddenly blinked and went from surprised disbelief to anger and shouted "Don't mock us! Get him Berserker!"

Berserker let out a roar and ran forward, slamming down the giant slab of stone he called a sword. Shiro nimbly dodged the blade with a quick side hop before he shot forward and wrapped the ribbon around Berserker's left foot and gave a quick yank. Berserker let out a bellow of surprise as he toppled to the ground and Shiro continued moving as he took a running leap, wrapping his ribbon around Berserker's left wrist and carrying the limb with him as he jumped over the giant's torso and landing next to his head, the action causing Berserker to hit himself with his own fist. Shiro quickly yanked on the ribbon five times causing Berserker to continuously hit himself before with an unintelligible groan the dark skinned Servant completely slackened his body having knocked himself unconscious.

Saber gaped.

Rin gaped.

Illya gaped.

Archer raised the eyebrow of the eye that was peeking through his fingers.

Before Illya could recover from her surprise, Shiro's ribbon suddenly shot out and wrapped around her torso, pinning her arms to her side. Illya had just enough time to blink in surprise before Shiro grinned evilly and gave a mighty yank. Illya spun out of the ribbon bindings like a top and proceeded to make two circles in the street before finally coming to a stop slumping against Berserker trying to catch the little birdies flying around her head.

Nodding to himself, Shiro dismissed his ribbon and then proceeded to walk away from the two whistling a cheerful tune as he went. His Servant and ally could only stare for a moment before they shook themselves and hurried after him.

Author's Notes: Alright, so originally, Eraser Kung Fu was just going to be a little one shot, but Steamguy rather strongly suggested I do more fights. I'm going to have re watch Stay Night to brush up on who Shiro fights but I'll try and make a scene for each of them. Not sure if this will get its own slot in the schedule or if I'll just do them whenever given how short they'll be though. Feel free to PM me for ideas on what Shiro uses for his fights.

By the way, anyone care to guess the movie Illya semi-quoted?


	3. Chapter 3

Arrow To The Knee

Shiro had just sprinted into his workshop, sure that the Lancer guy had followed him even if he had managed to hide behind a fake wall at the school. He hadn't come here to hide though. Instead, he immediately walked over to a cabinet and opened it to reveal around a dozen sword shaped crystals that were each about the length of his middle finger and glowing with stored prana. Grabbing two, he put one in his pants pocket and the other in his shirt pocket close to his heart before he felt the bound field around the house detect an unwelcome guest. Quickly sprinting back to the shed door, he didn't notice the magus circle in the basement of the shed beginning to glow.

Sure enough, Lancer was waiting for him out in the yard, idly spinning his lance as he said "I'll admit kid, that fake wall trick was a pretty good one, but I always get my prey. Sorry, but your time ends here."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that." Shiro said as prana burst in his right hand and Lancer stiffened as Shiro made a weapon. His eyes widened in incredulous disbelief before he threw his head back and howled with laughter even as he asked "What do you think you can do with that?!"

'That' turned out to be one of those spinning arrow signs store employees would spin around to attract customers with.

Lancer's eyebrow twitched once when he stopped laughing and said "I'm going to make you regret not taking me seriously boy." The next instant, he shot forward with his lance ready to stick the brat like a pig. Only for his eyes to widen as said brat spun the arrow in a way that kicked the spear up before it went down and the bottom point of the arrow dug into his knee drawing blood?! What the heck?!

Leaping back and grimacing as his right knee throbbed in pain, Lancer gave the kid an incredulous look and said "Alright, I'll bite, how did you do that?"

Shiro smirked and said "One word: Reinforcement." The next instant, his reinforced legs threw up a sod cloud as he shot forward with his now much more threatening arrow spinning like a buzz saw. Lancer found himself hastily blocking five rapid swings before he made the mistake of blocking with the shaft of his staff in a horizontal position in front of his chest. The mistake was that his lance was out of position when Shiro jerked the arrow down and the arrow head spun upwards to hit a certain soft spot.

Lancer's eyes widened and his jaw dropped as a soft wheeze left his vocal cords, his lance clattering to the ground as he dropped it in favor of clutching his groin area while at the same time sinking to his knees. Shiro only had a moment to appreciate the look on his face before Lancer and lance faded out of sight. Smirking to himself, Shiro studied his weapon and said "Not even a single dent. Guess I didn't need the prana batteries after all."

"That was certainly a most…unusual victory." A voice said from behind him and Shiro spun around with the arrow already spinning only to find a beautiful woman wearing armor over a dress standing in the doorway of his shed. The woman continued studying him with an unreadable expression before she came to even more attention than before and said "I am Servant Saber. I ask of you, are you my Master?"

Shiro blinked once while he wondered just what he had gotten involved in.

End

Author's Notes: Poll and update schedule on my profile.

Idea for this comes courtesy of Shadowdragis though I imagine it's not quite how he expected it. Please remember if you have an idea for a 'fight' that the item projected is NOT what one would normally consider a weapon.

Also, I need to get started on To Be A Master's next chapter so I might not update this one as rapidly as before. (This is more of a do a quick 500 word drabble when I've got a free shot then an actual scheduled update kind of story.)


	4. Chapter 4

Hammers And Nails

Forrest Behind The School

Shiro stared at the weapon he had barely deflected with a reinforced palm. It was a nail with a chain connected to it. That gave him _ideas_.

First things first, he projected an industrial strength winch around the chain, a winch which immediately powered up and began spinning, making the chain go taut before being pulled in so rapidly the chain blurred. Less than a minute later, a big object came shooting out of the trees towards him and the winch and he grinned as he projected an object in his hands which began rapidly expanding. Grinning as the figure continued getting closer revealing a rather beautiful woman with long purple hair and for some reason an elaborate blindfold over her eyes, Shiro took a stance and shouted "GET OVER HERE!"

Of course the woman tried to attack him with a second nail on a chain combo as she was yanked forward, but Shiro easily smacked the weapon away with his reinforced self inflating hammer before he held it above his head and gave his best warbling war cry before bringing it down right where the woman would land. Said woman tried to dodge but Shiro's hammer clipped her left shoulder and she stumbled long enough for Shiro to slam the hammer into her gut throwing her against a tree the had a rather large crack form at the impact point. Before she could recover, Shiro pounced with reinforced legs and slammed the hammer into her gut again, sending her clear through the tree with at least one rib, if not broken, then most definitely cracked.

Quickly side stepping the falling tree, Shiro narrowed his eyes at Rider before his hammer glowed with evil intent along with prana and he shot forward again. Even with the strange blindfold covering her eyes he could see the 'Oh Crap!' expression on her face as she began desperately dodging the hammer, which left small craters in the ground and took huge chunks out of the trees. She did NOT want to get hit by that! But then Shiro let go of the darn thing catching her off guard as the momentum of his latest swing allowed it to go far enough fast enough to clip her shoulder spinning her with the force of it. Spinning a full circle in a flare of her long hair, she came back to facing Shiro just long enough to see he had another, even bigger hammer that had a shaft as long as he was tall and a head that was easily five feet wide. Rider only had time to widen her eyes behind her blindfold though because the hammer was already coming down by the time she saw it and it slammed into her torso hard enough that it caused the nearby trees to visibly shudder when she cratered the ground with it.

Pulling the massive toy hammer out with ease after dropping its reinforcement, Shiro put it on his shoulder and studied his handiwork. Seeing Rider splayed out in a small crater softly groaning in pain and with twitching limbs, he nodded to himself before turning around and walking away, having, and giving into the urge to begin singing Here Comes The Hammer by MC Hammer as he began heading back home.

End

Author's Notes: Update Schedule and Poll on my profile.


	5. Chapter 5

Mighty Magi

'It is official' Saber mused to herself, 'my Master is officially off kilter.'

Why would she think that? For the simple fact that he was hitting hockey pucks rapid fire at Caster and her Master, the large man already with two black eyes and a broken nose, along with what she suspected were quite a few broken bones under that teacher's uniform he had on. A final puck slapshot into the groin area had him slumping to the ground with a pained groan and from her position on her actual flying broom Caster shouted out "Master!" Turning to Shiro with a glare that was felt even with her hood up, she growled out "You'll pay for tha-!" Her moment of distraction cost her though as Siro put a puck right into her open mouth and sent her tumbling off her broom and onto the ground.

Shiro held up his arms in celebration as an air horn inexplicably went off somewhere and he yelled out "Goal!"

As Saber twisted her head around in confusion trying to find where the air horn was, Caster stumbled back up to her feet and spat out the hockey puck with a growl and shouted "That does it!" Magical circles formed all around Caster only for Shiro to grin and call out quickly "Servant-about-to-be-dogpiled-by-anthropomorphic-ducks-say-what?"

You could _feel_ the confused blink Caster gave as she asked "Wha-?" The next instant, seven large, rather realistic, and more importantly, HEAVY animatronics in the shape of ducks in hockey gear slammed into her at high speed from every direction including from above, Caster's right hand somehow poking out of the pile and twitching uselessly.

Saber could only stare at the sight in befuddlement before her Master's cackling drew her attention back to him and she saw he was giving her a grin as he said "You've GOT'TA love the nineties and their wacky cartoons."

End

Author's Notes: Update Schedule and Poll on my Profile


	6. Chapter 6

Dual Wielding Frying Pans

Shiro had just accepted Saber as his servant after dealing with Lancer in such a 'pointy' way when her head snapped towards the road and said "Master, another Servant approach, and they have their Master with them this time."

Shiro sighed and said "It never ends does it? Well, let's roll out the welcome mat then." With that, he reinforced his legs and took a running leap up to his house roof and ran across it before jumping back down to street level, Saber right behind him. The Master, who Shiro quickly identified as Rin Tohsaka from school, skid to a stop when she saw him and he gave a slight pout as he said "Ah man, why'd it have to be a girl with a pretty face? It's a mortal crime to ruin such beauty with bruises and black eyes."

True to his prediction, the tsundere flushed a rather brilliant red in embarrassment at being called a beauty before just as suddenly the red turned ugly in anger as she snarled out "What was that you third rate Magus?!"

"It's quite simple Miss Tohsaka, I'm saying your going to get your pretty rear end kicked." Shiro said and Saber raised an eyebrow at the banter before she, Rin, and Archer stared in befuddlement as a pair of frying pans was projected onto Shiro's back, handles poking over his shoulders. Shiro unsheathed the pans and gave them a spin as he brought them into position a small distance from his body on either side before he said with a grin "Order Up!"

The next instant, he was right in front of Rin, the girl not even having time to fully widen her eyes before a frying pan was slamming into the side of her jaw cleanly breaking it and throwing her to the side of the road where she landed heavily and rolled a couple of times before stopping with a pained groan.

"Rin!" Archer called in alarm before he projected his two swords and tried to slice Shiro in half. Tried being the operative word as with a flurry of motion Shiro began deflecting the blades away from him even as he began backstepping. Saber moved to protect her Master only to stop as Shiro shouted "Saber, stay there."

"But Master!" Saber said in concern.

"Don't worry, I've got this!" Shiro said before he suddenly stopped backstepping catching Archer off guard as instead of deflecting the blades he suddenly went on the offense and slammed his frying pans into the Servant's wrists. There was a sickening crunching sound as Archer dropped his swords, eyes wide before Shiro's reinforced arms brought the frying pans up spinning them once into better position and slamming them rim first into either side of Archer's head right on the ears. Archer's eyes immediately went glazed and he began stumbling around like a drunk just tossed out of the bar at closing time. Shiro watched as he dazedly went to his Master and tried a couple of times to pick her up with his shattered wrists before he finally gave it up for a lost cause and somehow pushed a specific gem out of her skirt pocket which flashed brightly. When it cleared, the pair were gone and Shiro blinked as he said "Huh, portkey, didn't think those things actually existed outside of Harry Potter books."

Saber stepped up beside him and gave his frying pans an evaluating look as she said "You are certainly an unusual Magi Master."

Shiro shrugged with a grin as he let the frying pans fade out of reality and said "Eh, normal's over rated anyway."

"Indeed." Saber said with a smile as the two began going back into the house.

End

Author's Notes Update Schedule and Poll on my Profile.


	7. Chapter 7

Fighting the King with Jokers

Saber could only stare at the scene in front of her with a dropped jaw. What was such a stupefying scene you ask? Why, it was the sight of Noble Phantasms getting knocked out of the sky by simple, albeit Reinforced, playing cards. Yes, that's right, Shiro was fighting 'King of Everything' Gilgamesh with a few dozen decks of playing cards. And it was pissing the Golden King off something fierce.

"You blasted mongrel, take this seriously!" Gilgamesh roared as he sent a barrage of fifty weapons flying at once only for fifty two cards to be sent by his opponent, two of the cards passing the zone of impact without challenge and slicing a couple of strands of his hair off. Gilgamesh roared in anger at the fact that the peasant had managed to 'mar his perfection' and hurled even more weapons at the pest.

Shiro grinned as he began throwing cards even faster, sidestepping away from the weapons that he didn't have to directly deflect and called out "What's the matter Kingy, don't you want to play some Blackjack?"

"I will rip that insolent tongue from your mouth Mongrel!" Gilgamesh shouted only to get a card to the mouth in response. Spitting the card out, the king glared at the insolent pest hard enough to melt titanium. In response, Shiro gave the gold plated tin can a cheeky grin before he projected a single card between pointer and middle finger before he flicked it shuriken style. Before Gilgamesh could open a gate to block the card it suddenly grew into a fifty foot long by twenty five foot wide behemoth and Gilgamesh only had time for his eyes to widen before the card slammed into him with the force of a freight train. The Servant was thrown off of his feet and flew for a good twenty feet before slamming into the ground. The moment he did, four equally large and Reinforced cards that Shiro had thrown right after the previous card slammed into the ground around Gilgamesh in a perfect example of Time on Target, the cards to a one displaying the grinning faces of Jokers. The two side cards were leaning against each other while the other two were straight blocking off all escape and Shiro dusted his hands off with finality as he said "And that's that."

As he began walking away from the battle field, Saber could only stare after him in befuddlement as she once more thought 'What kind of crazy person have I been saddled with?'

End

Author's Notes: Update Schedule and Poll on my Profile


	8. Chapter 8

The True Purpose of Rubber Chickens

For once, Shiro was the one left staring at the opponent. Not that Saber could blame him, not with what this guy was wearing. The flamboyant Servant was dressed up like a peacock, and worst, actually strutting towards them like one of the blasted things, a pair of bladed fans that looked like peacock feathers in his hands. Shiro's eye twitched once before he said "Right, I'll admit that I've done some whacky things myself, but even I can't deal with this."

Projecting four Reinforced rubber chickens, tied together in pairs by what looked like bungie cord turning them into nunchakus, Shiro leapt forward with a war cry and quickly disarmed the rather strange Assassin before he began going to town on the freak. The resulting pummeling was long, it was brutal, and it was the most warranted and glorious beatdown Saber had ever had the pleasure of witnessing.

Fifteen minutes later, Shiro walked away from the twitching mass that _used_ to be a human being, dropping his rubber weapons with a cathartic sigh and as they faded away he grinned at Saber and said happily "That felt good." Saber could only chuckle with a smile as she turned to follow her Master as he continued walking away.

End

Author's Notes: Update Schedule and Poll on my profile.

Shorter than the other already short ones I know but I think it actually works that way.


	9. Chapter 9

Porta Potty Peril

As Saber was rapidly becoming used to, Shiro was cackling with glee. Why was Shiro cackling you ask? Because he and Saber were standing on the fence that surrounded the school roof while on the school grounds Shinji Matou was running around screaming in horror as Porta Potties formed out of thin air and tried to crush him under their filthy weight. (Well, he didn't know if they were full or not but he did NOT want to find out!) Like a demented game of Snake Shiro was slowly but steadily boxing Shinji into a smaller and smaller area. Soon, soon he shall have revenge for all of the times Shinji had thrown around the fact that he was one of the richest students in school while snidely implying that Shiro was one of the poorest.

Thirty minutes of continuous running later, a panting Shinji was looking around in unabashed horror as he saw that porta potties surrounded him on all sides leaving only enough space for one last porta potty. Indeed, as he slowly looked up in bowel loosening terror, pun most definitely intended, Shiro grinned a grin filled to the brim with malice as one last porta potty shimmered into existence thirty feet in the air. As gravity asserted its uncaring dominance and Shinji let out a shriek of fear, Shiro threw his head back and howled with laughter.

End

Author's Notes: Update Schedule and Poll on my profile.

Another short one, though rather twisted for all of its brevity.


	10. Chapter 10

Paintball Barrage

Rin charged down a school corridor. That infuriating Emiya had been running from her for a solid thirty minutes, leading her on a merry chase from one end of the school to the next, and not just on one floor either. She swore, if she had to run up one more flight of stairs then she was going to seriously consider temporarily becoming a cannibal. All thoughts of murder quickly fled her mind though as she slid around a corner and her mind came to a screeching halt at the sight in front of her.

A pair of double doors at the end of the corridor showed that Shiro had lead her to the school exit that gave access to the sports field. That wasn't what got her attention though. No, that was the American Civil War period accurate Gatling Gun with a weird hopper replacing the ammo slot that he was standing behind, hand already turning the crank. Rin's eyes widened to the point that if this was a cartoon they would be dropping on the floor and she let out a whimpered "Ah, _crap_!"

The next instant, the Gatling Gun spun up to firing speed and a hail of ammunition tore into her turning her into a tie die monstrosity against fashion. The paintball rounds continued slamming into her for a full minute, the force of them slamming into her making her stumble backwards before she hit the wall of the adjoining corridor before they finally stopped and she slumped to the ground in a daze.

Shiro waited a moment to be sure she wasn't getting back up before he walked forward and blew the smoke from the barrels of his weapon before he gave the insensate Rin a cheeky two fingered salute before turning tail and rushing out of the double doors leaving the Gatling Gun for the students to find the next morning causing quite the stir.

End

Author's Notes: Update Schedule and Poll on my Profile

Also to Deadpoolisagang, I will get to your suggestion, I just need to figure out who he uses your choice against.


	11. Chapter 11

Sniping Janitor

Shiro was on a mission. He had finally had it with Rin Tohsaka and Shinji Matou and their 'We are better than thou, worship us dang it!' attitudes. He'd like to see them keep those attitudes with what he had planned! He had come in even earlier than usual and taken position on a pre fab sniper's platform he had built and Reinforced that was painted to blend in with the wall he had attached it to, wearing a Gilly Suit made out of cloth that constantly shifted colors in order to make it seem like there was nothing there. (Despite what most thought, camouflage actually WAS a weapon.)

Spotting his targets coming in at the same time, clearly not together but still in the same general group of students walking like they were being marched to a firing squad, Shiro grinned and pulled one of his specialty arrows out from the custom quiver he had brought with him and nocked his yumi bow. Slowing his breathing, Shinji settled himself before he loosed his arrow. The next instant, Shini was thrown from his feet and onto his back, a giant plunger with a three foot handle with fletching and an arrow nock in it planted directly center on his face. Not even five seconds later Rin joined him on the ground with a plunger of her own.

The students stared in befuddlement before one of them snickered. That released the floodgates and as the two Magi sat up and struggled to get the plungers off their faces the whole schoolyard erupted into laughter. Shiro cackled to himself even as he dismissed his yumi and quickly hopped over the fence and went inside of the school, only dismissing his camo cloth when he was safely inside. That ought to knock some haughty points off those two braggarts!

End

Author's Notes: Update Schedule and Poll on my Profile

You can thank tl34t12 for this one folks. Be sure to send in any ideas you have and I'll give them a shot. (Pun intended)


	12. Chapter 12

Stay Out of My Kitchen!

Shiro was cooking in the kitchen when he heard the front door slam open and Taiga's pitiful cry of "Shiro! FOOOOOD!" Shiro rolled his eyes from where he was rolling flat the dough that was going to make tonight's pizza. Everyday, that woman came to mooch off of his labors, and she was starting to push the house rules he had set when she first started coming over in her pursuit of said labors.

Case in point, Taiga came jogging into the kitchen, drool already forming in her mouth as she came looking for munchies. Shiro felt a tick mark form on his head before he spun around and beaned his English teacher with the roller he was using sending her staggering back with a white mark on her head. He quickly projected another roller right where one of her staggering steps would fall and she slipped off of it sending it rolling back into the room while she fell backwards like in a cartoon and landed with a pitiful moan on the floor just outside the door.

Stomping over, Shiro all but snorted steam out of his nose as he glared down and her and said "You know the rules Taiga, **stay out of the kitchen**!" And with that, he slammed the door and went back to making the pizza, after cleaning off the rolling pin of course.

END

Author's Notes: Schedule for updates and poll is on my profile.

Another idea from tl34lt12, though probably not how he thought I would do it.


	13. Chapter 13

Combustible Lemons

Author's Notes: Quick bit of swearing at the middle.

Story Start: Illya's Mansion Basement

Shiro was angry. No scratch that, he was pissed. His adoptive sister had gotten a cheap shot in when she ambushed him at the park while he was paying his respects on the anniversary of that tragic day and now she had him in some kind of ritual circle as she gloated about turning him into her servant and that HE will never abandon her like their good for nothing father did.

Shiro glared at her, his limbs twitching as he put on a show of trying to fight through the paralysis, a show that Illya bought if the smirk that was on her face as she began to chant was any indication. A smirk Shiro was all too happy to wipe off of her face as he suddenly Projected a Reinforced lemon onto his right foot and kicked it into her face causing her to stagger backwards and interrupt her chant.

As Illya clutched at her stinging face, she glared at Shiro as he stood up and quickly got out of the ritual circle and asked "How?! How did you negate the effects of my Mystic Eyes?!"

Shiro smirked and said "I simply Reinforced my Magic Resistance."

Illya gaped as she said "You can't Reinforce something like that!"

Shiro cocked his head and said with a teasing smile "And yet I managed. Maybe you should get a refund from your tutors."

Illya let out an inarticulate shout of rage before she pulled out a single hair and it turned into a blue glowing bird mystic code that launched itself at Shiro. In response, Shiro Projected another Reinforced lemon and blocked the bird. Illya's eyes widened as her younger brother blocked her mystic code with a piece of freaking citrus of all things. As said piece of mystic code faded away, Shiro turned his hand and raised an eyebrow when he saw the small nick in the lemon and said "Huh, impressive."

The next instant, he was kneeling in front of Illya who's eyes widened, which really only made what came next worse as Shiro squeezed the lemon and juice shot out of the nick and into her eyes.

"Argh!" Illya yelled in pain as her hands went up to her eyes before her yell was rather rudely cut off as Shiro shoved the lemon into her open mouth. A quickly projected roll of duct tape had her hands trapped in front of her eyes and the lemon stuck in her mouth. Illya tried to stumble back away from him but he was quick to snatch her and pull her back before he taped her elbows to her chest and then wrapped a final piece around her ankles.

Sighing as he watched his older though younger looking sister struggle, he said "You know, this could have all been avoided if you had tried to reconnect with me the normal way." Illya tried to yell something that probably had a curse word or two around the lemon in her mouth. Shiro sighed again before he picked her up and held her close as he stood back up, Illya squirming even more before he tapped her head with the hand that was against her back and said "Stop that, I don't want to drop you."

Illya stopped moving though she grumbled some more and Shiro began walking out of the basement. Idly shifting so that he could carry her with just one arm, he tapped his chin with his now free one and said "You know, for some reason, this feels like it should bring to mind something from a video game I once played, but for the life of me I can't think what." He was just coming off the stairs and onto the ground floor when he snapped his fingers and said "Oh, that's what it is."

Despite herself Illya made an inquisitive sound and Shiro cleared his throat before he said in a gruffer voice "Alright I've been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade, make life take the lemons BACK! GET MAD! I DON'T WANT YOUR DANM LEMONS, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE? Demand to see life's manager, make life rue the day it thought it could give _Cave Johnson_ lemons! Do you know who I am?! I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down, with the _lemons_! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!" Shiro stopped walking as he finished the quote and tilted his head as he said "Now _there'_ s an idea."

Illya could only whimper as she both felt Shiro begin throwing a few things down the stairway they just came up along with hear sizzling sounds. She continued to whimper as her brother started walking again and with every other step there was a thump and more of the sizzling sounds as he began tossing lemons over his shoulder. Soon the sound of fire also began filling the air but Shiro continued his unhurried pace out of the mansion. Ten minutes later they were out and after walking far enough away, Shiro put Illya back on the ground and began rapid fire Projecting and throwing more of his Reinforced combustible lemons, chucking them into the open doorway and any of the windows in sight. Once there was a good blaze going, he nodded and picked Illya back up and said "There, now that that's done, you and I can have a nice, civilized _talk_ about kidnapping family members back home." (And yes, he was fully aware of the irony of that statement, but he was going with Sumerian law on this one and taking his 'eye'.)

Illya could only whimper at his words as he began walking away from the burning building. As they left the area, Shiro snapped his fingers and a massive Iron Wall was projected around the building ensuring the fire wouldn't spread to the forest. He may now be an arsonist, but he didn't want to hurt the forest. There were helpless critters in it after all.

END

Author's Notes: Update Schedule and Poll on my profile.

You can thank Yorae Rasante for this one folks, though I'm the one who made the connection between his suggestion of lemons to Cave Johnson's rant from Portal 2. Feel free to send any ideas you have my way. I'll try to get a drabble of it out quickly though I do have to get back to working on my actually scheduled stories.


	14. Chapter 14

Around The World

Shiro had a yoyo. More importantly, he was currently using said toy to drive his supposedly older sister nuts. Here she was, using mystical codes to if not outright kill her brother, then seriously maim him and he was holding her off with single yoyo! And not even a particularly dangerous yoyo like object like something made out of steel with piano wire serving as the string but a simple plastic butterfly style thing you could buy for a few hundred yen a piece.

"Take me seriously!" Illya yelled as she sent a whole flock of twelve birds out at him.

"I am taking you seriously. By the way, you're going to go bald if you keep that up." Shiro said even as he began quick launch and pull techniques with his yoyo in a move that brought to mind a viper rapidly striking again and again as he knocked her Mystic Codes out of the sky.

Illya let out a roar of rage that was rather similar to her Servant that Saber was keeping busy, the King of Knights doing her best to follow Shiro's order of 'Keep it busy, but don't waste a killing move.' Given how this was their second encounter with Illya during this war and Shiro had taken the time to do a bit of research on Heracles, she understood the order even if she thought she could kill the Demigod enough times with Excalibur. Still, Shiro had said he had a bad feeling when he learned about the Holy Grail they were supposedly fighting for and the teen wanted to keep it from being charged for as long as possible until he learned more. Saber couldn't say that she agreed, but she would hold her silence on the matter for now, understanding the need for more information. Wars had been lost over bad intel after all. Back with the Emiya siblings though.

After her roar of rage, Illy pulled out dozens of her hairs and they all formed into glowing blue implements of aviary death that quickly formed a dome around Shiro before they all came in from every direction at once. The brief look of panic on Shiro's face was EXTREMELY satisfying for Illya before her brother became obscured as the descending birds blocked him from sight for a moment. That satisfaction quickly fled her mind as the birds were blasted back as Shiro slung TWO yoyos all around his body in gyroscopic motions keeping them away from him. Probably the biggest thing that concerned Illya though was the look of annoyance that was now on her adoptive brother's face.

"I've had enough of your temper tantrums Illya." Shiro declared right before his left hand yoyo shot out and wrapped around Illya's hands before pulling taunt, keeping them bound together and pulled away from her hair. The albino barely got out a startled "Hey!" before Shiro did an Around The World trick of spinning his right yoyo in a full circle in the air to get momentum before he launched it right at Illya's forehead. The plastic smacked itself dead center of her forehead and Illya's eyes immediately rolled back as she collapsed to the ground.

Shiro immediately dismissed his current weapons of choice and said "I think my grumpy sister needs a nap."

Berserker let out a roar that almost came off as concerned and quickly broke away from Saber to quickly snatch his Master off of the ground before Astralizing and departing from the fight.

As Saber walked over at a much calmer pace than her counterpart had, she shook her head and asked "Master, why didn't you just do that five minutes ago when they first showed up?"

Shiro sighed and said "I was _hoping_ to have a decent conversation with her, maybe even get some information that her family has on the grail. But I guess that won't be happening anytime soon."

Saber put a hand on his shoulder in sympathy and said "Don't worry Master, I'm sure you'll get through to her eventually."

Shiro gave another sigh as he said "One can only hope. Come on, this little skirmish of ours has somehow put me in the mood for spaghetti and meatballs." As Shiro began leaping with reinforced legs up to and across rooftops, Saber allowed the merest drop of drool to form in her mouth before following. Her Master made the absolutely best food she ever tasted after all.

END

Author's Notes: Update Schedule and Poll on Profile

Credit to Deadpoolisagang for this one folks, feel free to send ideas you want to see me take a crack at and I'll write them when I both have an idea and time to write said idea.


	15. Chapter 15

Shinji's Nightmare Made Real

Shiro knew a secret. It wasn't his own secret. It wasn't even one of his closest friends' secret that he was told in the utmost confidence. No, it was a secret that he had managed to find out when he had passed the school library during lunch break only to find Shinji snoozing at one of the study tables muttering in his sleep. He had walked in to wake Shinji up since it was ten minutes until classes to resume only to hear the most _interesting_ thing.

"No mama, I don't want to go to the circus, the clowns always chase me with maple syrup filled water balloons while riding on unicycles."

Shiro choked back a startled laugh and decided that he should really let Shinji get some more sleep.

Two Months Later

Shiro was rather upset with a schoolmate. He had known that Shinji wasn't exactly the best person around when it came to morals, but he had thought that even the purple haired 'snobbishly rich' boy wouldn't have gone so far as draining the entire school population to power up his Servant. This required something _special_.

Which was why while Saber was keeping Rider busy, Shinji was currently screaming at the top of his lungs while a Shiro dressed as a stereotypical clown complete with big red nose and large squeaky shoes chased him down on a unicycle. Every ten seconds, Shiro would rapidly project, aim, then fire a water balloon filled with sticky sweet maple syrup at Shinji. When he had first came tearing into the schoolyard on his projected unicycle he had gotten five rapidly thrown hits on Shinji and his back was completely covered in the stuff. So much so that it was actively dripping down his clothes and into the ground as he ran.

After ten minutes of chasing Shinji, Shiro grew bored and Reinforcing a balloon so it wouldn't immediately pop threw it right where his right foot was coming down. As expected, Shinji's foot hit the balloon, he lost his balance, and fell flat on his face. Shiro didn't even bother to brake and instead ran right over the rich boy, a tire tread visible from his back side, all the way up his back, and over his _previously_ oh so well kept hair. Making a wide circle, Shiro once more ran over Shinji, this time from the side and stopping on his back. Shiro took just enough time to hit Shinji with a final balloon to the back of the head before he began rapidly pedaling, all of the syrup on the floor giving just enough give that he could stay in one place while he rapidly pedaled earning another shout from Shinji, this time of pain.

Shiro kept it up for a full thirty seconds before he jumped the Unicycle off of Shinji's body and quickly shot off to around the school building. He left a piteously moaning Magi lying face down in a sticky puddle in his literal dust trail.

END

Author's Notes: Update Schedule and Poll on my profile.

This is a mix of psychominer's idea for water ballons filled with maple syrup and another person's idea of a bicycle or a unicycle. (Sorry other idea giver, for the life of me I could not track down your review.)

Feel free to send more ideas, I seem to be in a good state of mind for writing them. (Even though I SHOULD be working on my Transformers Prime stories.)


	16. Chapter 16

Here Boy, Fetch!

Shiro cocked his head, studying the man in front of him holding a lance. Saber had identified him as Cú Chulainn, aka the Hound of Culann which gave him a rather humorous idea.

"Here boy, fetch!" Shiro shouted.

Lancer jerked his gaze away from Saber to him with fury in his eyes as he said "What did you saMPH?!"

His indignant reply was cut off by a projected Frisbee that landed in his mouth after a perfectly aimed throw. Lancer's eyes widened at the sight and he spat out the toy. Growling with murder in every inch of his body, he snarled out "You're dead boy." He took a single step, a single step which lead to him slipping on a frisbee thrown upside down. Lancer's foot was thrown out from under him and he slipped like a cartoon slipping on a banana, and came down on his back almost as hard as said cartoon.

Unlike a cartoon though, he didn't stay down for long. Quickly getting back to his feet, he roared in anger and charged in. Shiro though remained calm, projecting a brace of eight frisbees, four held stacked together in each hand. The somehow menacing looking frisbees coupled with the demented grin now on his face made Lancer's instincts try to warn him, but he was too angry and ignored them. More's the pity.

Shiro Reinforced the disks of plastic before he threw them. Lancer preemptively spun his lance in an attempt to block them only to widen his eyes as he saw that Shiro had thrown the frisbees in a way that they had curved widely enough to avoid the spinning spear and slammed into his body. His elbows immediately went limp as a Reinforced frisbee slammed into each one, two more got his ribs on either side while the final ones got his knees. Lancer crumpled to the ground and started to groan only for one last Reinforced frisbee thrown extra hard to hit the top of his head and knocked him out.

As Lancer was summoned back to his Master's side, Shiro swung another frisbee around his right pointer finger and said "Well that went well."

"Indeed Master, though while it was certainly fitting for this opponent, I don't think we'll be seeing Frisbees used in armed combat again." Saber said from where she had watched in bemusement.

"Eh, give it time." Shiro said with a shrug before he dismissed the frisbee and began heading home.

END

Author's Notes: Update Schedule and Poll on my Profile

This idea is curtesy of a guest, no given name unfortunately.


	17. Chapter 17

Gotta Catch Them All

As Shinji Matou did his best to try and talk Shiro's ear off about how much better he was than everyone else, _including_ Shiro, Shiro sighed before an idle thought came to him and he cocked his head as he glanced at his hand with a frown of thought. A moment later, he was smiling at a sphere in his hand that was half red and half white. His smile was wiped off his face though when Shinji noticed he wasn't listening and shouted "Hey, pay attention to me damnit!"

Shiro sighed again before he said "Shinji, I don't normally say things like this, but you're beginning to piss me off." So saying, and without really thinking, he lined up like a pro baseball player and beaned the jerk with the ball that had been in his hands. The sight of Shinji's head snapping back from the impact was rather satisfying, but it paled to the sight of seeing the Pokeball suddenly snapping open and a red beam of energy lashing out and surrounding Shinji before yanking him into the ball. Shiro stared as the ball dropped to the ground and barely twitched once before it let out a loud CLICK symbolizing that capture was complete.

Shiro blinked his shock away for the moment and walked over to the Pokeball, bending down to pick it up, and studied the sphere. A moment later, he let out an eager grin and said "Now THIS has promise."

Time Skip: One Week Later

Shiro eyed Gilgamesh with more than a little annoyance in his eyes. He had thought that _Shinji_ was bad, but this gold-plated blowhard was about twenty times worst. Still, for all that he was legitimately a World Ending bad guy, Shiro wasn't too concerned, and as he idly projected a sphere into the hand hiding behind his back, Shiro mused just how he had gotten to this point.

With Shinji acting as an unknowing proof of concept, Shiro had emulated a Pokemon Trainer while facing the others participants of this little war. He didn't just stick with the common Pokeball though, he had made appropriate balls that fit his new captures. Lancer, Archer, and Assassin got Fast Balls, Caster got a Dusk Ball and Berserker got a Heavy Ball. He didn't just use Pokeballs on the Servants either, since the Masters had been understandably upset about Shiro catching their Servants. That fake Priest got a Dusk Ball as well (For someone who was supposed to be a holy man, it fit him disturbingly well), Caster's master got a Fast Ball, and little Illya and feisty Rin were both caught using Friend Balls which did absolute _wonders_ for their attitudes.

The only ones he DIDN'T catch was Rider and her true master Sakura. As soon as Shinji was caught, Rider had returned to Sakura's side and that night when she was over for dinner Sakura had apologized for her adopted brother's actions. She had been slightly upset with what Shiro had done, but that sure hadn't stopped her from asking Shiro to stick her monster poorly masquerading as a human 'grandfather' into a Pokeball as well. Now THAT was a being who really deserved being stuck in a Dusk Ball.

Slightly shaking his head from those thoughts, Shiro focused back on the present and cut Gilgamesh off mid monologue as he said "Are you done yet?"

Gilgamesh's right eye visibly _twitched_ as he said "You damn mongrel, you _dare_ interrupt-!"

That was as far as he got before he was beaned by a purple and white sphere, his incredulous expression truly worthy of the picture Shiro hurriedly snapped with the camera he projected in his other hand before the megalomaniac was sucked into the Master Ball with an outraged wail. The Master Ball dropped to the ground and shook five times, Gilgamesh's screaming threats heard the whole way before it finally settled with a CLICK and his voice thankfully fell silent.

Grinning as he walked over, Shiro plucked the Master Ball up off the ground and turned back to Saber as he said "And you said that there wasn't a Pokeball strong enough to catch him."

"I gladly stand corrected Master." Saber said stoically before she slouched just the smallest bit and continued "Though once again, I find myself wondering what the point of my summoning was since you didn't need my help at all during this entire so-called war."

"Ah, don't sweat it Saber." Shiro said as he walked past her, clapping a hand on her shoulder as he went and continued walking as he said "I'm grateful for your friendship if nothing else. Now come on, it's dinner time."

"Yes Master." Saber said in a more eager tone of voice. If nothing else, Shiro's food was DEFINITELY a plus to being summoned by him!

END

Author's Notes: Update Schedule and Poll on Profile

Not EXACTLY Eraser Kung Fu material, but I thought it still had a place here. This was inspired partly by the whackyness of my mind being bored while sweeping the Neighborhood Market I work at and partly by a comic on Deviantart I had read called Incinciball pt. 1 by Inyuo.


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